Short Stories

Mrs. Silence Dogood — #2 – Ethanol

Benjamin Franklin 1767.

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In 1722, at the age of 16, Ben Franklin was working as an apprentice to his older brother, James, a Boston printer. Young Ben Franklin never got anything he wrote published, so he wrote 14 letters under the assumed name of a woman, Silence Dogood. He secretly slipped each letter under the door of the print shop of the New England Courant in the cloak of darkness. James decided the letters were definitely suitable for publication. For us today, the letters give a good insight into the time and the man who wrote them.

The letters poked fun at various aspects of life in colonial America, such as the drunkenness of locals, religious hypocrisy, and the persecution of women. Silence Dogood even had views about the fashion for hoop petticoats. She” was particularly fond of ridiculing Harvard. She complained that it had been ruined by corruption and  elitism, and that most of its students learned nothing there except how to be conceited.*

* https://thefederalistpapers.org/ebooks/the-letters-of-silence-dogood#ixzz7PuOQ6qiR

April 13, 2022

To authors of the Irrelevant News Media,

Observing the current occupier of America’s hallowed White House, as he announced a most-fantastical dictum aimed at reducing astronomical gasoline and diesel fuel prices, this old lady was quite perplexed. Does Slow Joe really expect any sentient being to believe that adding E-15 ethanol to gasoline through the summer months will reduce fuel prices? Or have the masses’ cognitive abilities been so diminished by their pitiful education that people are incapable of rational thought? 

Surely any person with a smidgen of foresight can predict the impact of such foolish actions. Even I, a very old woman of modest schooling, know the following are as obvious as a wart on one’s nose:

* Most Ethanol is made from corn. 

* Corn production is forecast to plummet this summer, due to high costs of diesel fuel for farm equipment, soaring costs of fertilizer and drought in certain corn-producing regions.

* Therefore, the cost to produce ethanol will skyrocket. 

* Gas and diesel prices at the pump most certainly will not come down.

* Gasoline with a mix of 15 percent ethanol reduces gas mileage.

* Air pollution WILL increase, because smart scientists say burning E15 produces more smog. 

What a sorry mess this president and his clown-circus of advisors is creating! Seems like everything they touch turns to doo-doo. 

Now, contrary to the ineffective, feel-good half-measures constantly spewing from Washington, D.C., these days, there are several straightforward measures guaranteed to drastically reduce the costs of petroleum products:

* Turn the U.S. gas and oil industry loose.

* Open existing pipelines and complete the Keystone XL system.

* Open ANWR and all federal lands to exploration and drilling. 

* Remove senseless restrictions, approval processes and requirements of glacial environmental impact assessments.

* Put that Nasty Old Grump from Vermont and AOC’s Addled Squad twits, who are pushing the Impossible, Unaffordable, Wealth-Transfer Green New Deal, back in their padded rooms. Please give them Conservative coloring books, too.

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And would someone be so kind to explain for Slow Joe that pulling 180 million barrels of crude oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve—when there’s a real possibility America could be at war soon—is utterly deranged? That reserve ensures U.S. military forces have immediate access to the fuel required to defend our homeland. Again, Joe’s short-term measure to supposedly assuage pain-at-the-pump by a few cents/gallon will have negligible impacts. It’s more political smoke and mirrors with minimal, if any, positive effects. Once again, no thought is devoted to potential consequences.

Finally, Slow Joe and his Mini-Mind Minions keep blaming Russian President Vladimir Putin for runaway inflation that’s torturing working-class Americans. No, Mr. President, it’s your fault. The ignorant actions you took via executive orders within hours of being inaugurated are directly responsible for ultra-high gas and food prices, supply chain snafus, labor shortages, an unprecedented number of foreign invaders flowing across the southern border, etc. 

I tell you, the Founders are extremely frustrated and mad as Hell! They really thought angry citizens would have booted all D-student politicians by now.

Maybe they will…soon.

Your Servant,

Silence Dogood

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1 comment

DAV June 24, 2022 at 5:55 am

Good article. Thank you for your patriotism, Tsarizm !


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